The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

there is no statute of limitations on a broken heart


it’s been nearly 4 years of solitude

and I could go a thousand more before I learn to live without you




was it something I said that made you disappear without a reason or warning?




all I can do now is lay here and blame myself for everything I might’ve done


there was no disclaimer this time


sweet words never turned vile,

they just stopped coming


gentle hands never grew rough, they stopped touching me period


it always used to be me and you but now it’s just me and half a fractured heart




and no one seems to remember that you are responsible for the things you’ve damaged...



now i long for what is lost, what is unknowingly missing from me

This is for the girl who is always picked last.



The one who roams the crowded halls scared.

Scared of being looked at for too long or being laughed at for being who she is. The one who gets jokes thrown at her daily, but only to her they aren’t just funny jokes.



This is for the one who has never found a way to fit in or the one who still can’t figure out who she is because she has only known the meaning of labels rather than true identity.



If you’ve ever held back tears because you can’t be looked as weak, this one is for you.



The one who is in a constant battle with herself because to her the definition of self- worth doesn’t exist.



The girl who was left alone because everyone else said they would stay. In her reflection she sees imperfections and flaws, not a masterpiece.



This is dedicated to anyone who feels unworthy of being loved only because he chose someone else.



The idea of having to change has become a constant reminder to the point where hating herself was normal.



This is for the girl who has hated a stranger only because he saw beauty in her but not in you.



Living her whole life trying to impress everyone else, but herself.



You and I aren’t that different. We think that to be loved we have to be perfect and that to be accepted we have to accept change.



Girls have been raised with the mentality that we have to be “less” than the guy.

Too smart,

we intimidate;

too dumb,

we’re ignorant;

too skinny,

we have an eating disorder;

too fat,

ew loose weight;

confident,

you’re vain;

criticize yourself,

attention seeker.



We don’t realize that this is our main problem. We believe that perfection is beauty when in reality it’s not a reality.



If you have small breasts, big waist, no thigh gap, curves and wish to get rid of them, wish for something else because that is a waste.



For the girl who wakes up in the morning and hates her body, this one is for you.



The girl who keeps everything inside because she is afraid of judgement.



The one who wears a mask to cover the broken pieces she is still trying to put together, this is for you, because when you think you’ve reached your lowest point you manage to fight through another day.



When you find yourself in the middle of the night and tears are streaming down your face, remember that your biggest enemy is your mind and no matter how many negative things it is telling you, don’t listen because if you listen closely there is a little voice saying, “It’s all a lie.”



Listen to that, because you truly are beautiful.

COMMENTS

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xRobin3x
20:06 Aug 27 2015

its still hard as shit to change in your mind. even in the middle of all this. Down deep, one knows that the idiots that call one names, laughs at them, makes the jokes to, pick on, and beat up, are just that, idiots who do that to others, no matter how much we all know that just isn't so.... its hard as hell to deal with every day. as adults of growing up though this, we do kinda see in a different light. we also see that things won't change either, they only seemed to have gotten worse for kids. what is sadder yet, the adults, some of them, encourage it with there kids.



to a point, it sucked balls going thought it, but i survived, but if i didn't go though it, i wouldn't be who i am today if i didn't. if that makes sence.



i guess to me what mattered is that one friend or the few we call misfits, just hung together.



peace.

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xRobin3x
20:09 Aug 27 2015

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POST COMMENT

Let me learn to love you.


Let me learn the callouses on your hands,


and the scars on your knees.


Let me learn the creases on your forehead,


and the little marks on your lips.


Give me time,

I will learn to love you too.



I have given my everything to the boys before you,


and they have treated me like a piece of paper.


They threw me away and I thought you would too,


but you treated me like paper,

you wrote poetry and songs that reminded you of me


I pray to the gods above that they teach me


Teach me- to love you




I’m sorry

I have not yet learned to love you

One day, I pray


I will learn to love you like you loved me


It may not be tomorrow nor today


But the day it comes...




I promise,


you will hear the beat of my heart running marathons


you will see the sun rise and set both at the same time


you will smell dew in the sunny days we spend in bed


you will feel the wave of the ocean in deserts we will explore


we will experience love like the ones in movies.




Just let me learn to love you.

I am a war zone

A child born of bloodshed and bomb shelters

With a heart full of rage

And fists that never stop shaking



People think they know what it’s like

To fight to survive

In a world scarred by hellfire

But what they don’t realize

Is that it’s never over



Sure the dust settles but you...

You are still caked in ashes

That won’t wash off

No matter how hard you scrub



You still see the face of death

Every time you look in the mirror

You’ve forgotten what you were before this

Or if there was ever a time before this 




You are never done fighting


And they won’t understand the fear

Why you never let your guard down

Why you can’t let people get too close



Because please don’t come near me

I am a bomb awaiting detonation

And you don’t want to fight anymore



This isn’t your war and you’re tired

But you can’t back down you can’t stop

Because there’s no escape

You can’t run from your own mind

And destruction is all you know



So here’s to the kids with gunpowder in their lungs

And no hope in their eyes

There’s no happy ending

No ever afters

No peace

Not for us



Because war doesn’t end

Not until the battlefield is destroyed

COMMENTS

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Oceanne
14:36 Aug 19 2015

Wow. Very heartfelt and thought provoking.

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POST COMMENT

Beware of the daggers 
hidden in a girl’s mouth. 
Her words will cut you so quick, 
that you will only realise once
 she rubs the salt and spits 
venom into your wounds.



You see a sweet, sceptre of a smile 
from a perfectly painted mouth,
 but she’s made of something fierce, 
and wild animals bare their teeth
 to warn you that they can rip the heart
 out of your chest, without much remorse.

I’ve grown up too fast


I have an iron skin


I’m no longer who I was in the past


I can’t let anyone in



I couldn’t face the world head on


So I turned to run and hide


The person I used to be is gone


I’m dead on the inside



I watch as the teardrops


Cascade down like the rain


Pouring down the walls


Pounding the window pane



Stop holding a loaded gun


Up to my head


All your hatred and venom


Will kill me instead



Can’t you realize


That words can hurt and kill?


You’ll only see what you’ve done


When I’m lying cold and still

1. Everything changes. Nothing is permanent. What you think is important now, will be boring the hell out of you this time next year.



2. This emptiness inside of you is part of your existence. Sometimes it feels like you’re drowning, other times it’s like everything is okay and you are happy. But the emptiness is always here. With you. Accept it and it will be much easier to live your life.



3. If you think it is bad, believe me, it can get worse. There’re highs and there’re lows and it’s okay. You need to fall to learn how to get up.



4. Do not expect anything. It’s one of the most important things. The less you expect the less disappointed you feel.



5. That best friend you think is the most important person right now will be a stranger you awkwardly smile at in a few years.



6. “The love of your life” is never the love of your life. You can live without them. You can survive without them. Stop thinking you’re in love. You’re not.



7. Learn to let go. Simply as that.



8. Don’t trust your heart. Trust your instincts. They don’t have feelings. Their judgement is not clouded.



9. Accept the fact that humans are all the same. We are all sick. We are all depressed. We all have problems. We go through exactly the same things, just at different times and different levels.



10. The monsters in your head are just there. In your head. No one knows about them. And that is your power. Just make sure to keep them on the leash.



11. If you want to do something, do it. The only thing that stops you is your limited imagination.



12. Don’t try too hard. There will always be someone better than you.



13. Always carry your mask in the back pocket. Even better, always wear it. Protect yourself. Whatever pain or emotions you feel are better left hidden. Most people don’t understand what you’re feeling or just pretend not to understand.



14. Listen to your parents. They have lived longer than you, they know more. You should listen to their advice, but don’t forget that you are not your parents. You have the right to have your own opinion, to do what you want, to be your own person. Use your parents to learn from mistakes they made and don’t repeat them.



15. Find a way of expressing and being yourself. Doesn’t matter what. Reading or writing, singing or listening to music, drawing or visiting art galleries.



16. Being materialist is not as bad as they say it is. A new shiny toy won’t break your heart.



17. We are never born to change the world. We’re born to survive it or lose the game.



18. Just because you are breathing, it doesn’t mean you are alive, and sometimes to feel alive you need to be alone. And you need to understand that to some people sometimes is always.





(Feel free to add on if you feel I have missed any points.)

I like to dress it up, what you did to me. I like to use pretty words to describe an ugly thing. I like to make it all seem as fictional as possible when I write about you.



So I’ll say that you set fire to my skin and watched me go up in flames without blinking. I’ll say that I was struck by lightning when you kissed me and then I burned out completely when you left. I’ll say you shattered my heart and the shards got lodged everywhere (in my lungs, my bones, my veins, my fingertips and my spine). I’ll say the thorns under my skin (from the flowers that once grew inside me), kill me slowly and the poison that’s spread from them will speed up the process and I’m truly thankful. I’ll even say that when you stopped touching me, I froze over and then I disintegrated.



What I won’t say is that when I look in the mirror every day, I don’t marvel at the way I smile with all my teeth anymore. Or at the way my eyes crinkle when I smile with any of my teeth. I don’t think about the fact that I don’t smile at all anymore. Or that I can’t even look into my own eyes. I won’t recognize the person, I think. Instead, I wonder what made you leave.



Was is it that my brown eyes were too dark? (You couldn’t see yourself in them anymore and that scared you, didn’t it?)



My arms too flabby? (You said it was more of me to love but I guess we all overestimate our ability to love sometimes.)



My stretch marks too daunting? (Did you want me stay the same so much that my growth terrified you?)



My hair too wavy? (You could never run your fingers through my hair without getting it tangled, anyway.)



My mind too vast? (Did my big words and big dreams not make your heart tremble like you once said it did?)



My heart too silly? (Did I love you too much? Maybe it wasn’t enough? I thought I loved you just right. Apparently you didn’t.)



My soul too stained? (Honey, but you’ve done bad things too. Why does the bloodstains on my soul intimidate you?)



So, I don’t say that some nights I can’t sleep and some days I can’t wake up and I don’t say that it drives me to the brink of insanity and back. I don’t say that I can’t look at anything remotely blue anymore without remembering your eyes (and the stab of pain that come after, literally sickens me). I don’t say that you’ve made me hate all of my favorite songs because I used to listen to them with you and now the beat just seems a little off and the lyrics never match. I don’t say that beautiful things hold no power over me anymore because ugly is all I can see.



And, I definitely I don’t say that the fact that humans can have this power over each other, horrifies me. I don’t say that that’s the reason why I write about you this way.



Because what you did to me is scarier than what lightning or fire or shards of a broken heart or thorns under skin or poison seeping into my body or frozen insides, can do to me.



You stopped loving me and I broke.



How is that not the most terrifying thing you’ve ever heard?

COMMENTS

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Oceanne
14:40 Aug 19 2015

Damn, you're good. Ive added your journal.

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POST COMMENT

I feel as if sometimes I impose pain upon myself because deep down I believe that I deserve it. My external physic is merely a shell which is meant to do one thing, protect me. Protect me from others who might see what is truly inside and then use it to destroy me.



With the help of my shell, only I retain the power to destroy myself. Fortunately, I choose not to…..at least not fatally. I admit that I do punish myself but I do it in ways that I cannot even notice. Like a dream, it occurs subconsciously and it takes a second to forget. It’s not physical pain and no blood is visible but it might as well be, because in the end pain is simply pain.

Ribcage was never synonymous for birdcage. I’m not supposed to have these crows in my chest eating the dead butterflies that arose from my stomach; whose carcasses reek of another time, another place, another person

It may not be true for all women, but for a great many this actually hits an important key that is often overlooked.



Do you want sex?



Or do you want her deepest darkest deviant desires?



Because if you just want sex, by all means regard her as the strong woman she is for the world, and you will likely have good sex.



If, however, you crave her very core, where she keeps the salacious, the taboo, the things that make her cum when she thinks about them yet she has never dared to tell a soul, well then, as contrary as it may seem, you must regard her as a little girl.



I believe it is where our trust comes from, your treatment of that little fragile soul tells us you see us as more than the 3 holes we wish you to fuck.



If she feels safe and cherished, consistently valued and pursued, it unlocks the door to that secret room, for you see, she is the only one that has the key to where the darkness is kept safely hidden away.

you were a cigarette,


and i became addicted with every breath.




i was weak,


and found beauty in your nature

-
mercurial and impermanent
as a delicate wisp of smoke


curling up into the air,


dissipating into nothing


at the slightest hint of a breeze.




to feel your fire and consume its heat


was my justification to keep coming back for more,


even though i knew you were a poison


that was causing my soul to sicken.




try as i might, i could not filter out the bad - 


you only pretended to be capable of goodness.


at least you burned up quickly,


leaving me grasping a useless stub


between stained fingertips.




so i vowed never to light up again

-
i am not really a smoker.

Let me tell you what it’s like to fight against memories.




1. 
She will tell you that she loves you.
 She will caress your heartstrings like they’re taken the most expensively made guitar and you will never feel more comfortable than in those moments when her lips curve into a smile or if you’re lucky (and lucky you will feel) press against yours.
Yet in the evening, when she is blanketed by quiet and cannot escape her loud mind, the fight you never knew you were in begins again, even as night slips into morning and you are still conversing.




2.
 She will tell you that she is upset, that there are nights that she doesn’t have the best rest. You will offer to comfort her, offer to stay by her side and talk to her in an effort to create the bond you desire, and she will thank you graciously yet won’t really open up.
 Even so, you will never once for a moment imagine the possibility of someone else.




3. 
If she can find space somewhere in her cluttered mind to truly think about you, she will eventually explain that her heart is torn, that it’s leaning towards you but that there are times where she remembers him, the one who held the heart your fingertips can only seem to graze just long enough to leave fingerprints. 
She will give you the option to leave that truly screams ‘please don’t go,’ and it will be up to you to decide whether or not the wait - this war - is worth going through despite the always possible injuries you may incur.




4.
 It’s your turn to lose sleep.
You tick off each day in your mind; you reread the conversations and mentally relive the moments you spent together and question how it could have been possible that you left any room for error.
 Any room for him.
 You question everything, the genuinity of her feelings and the current status of yours. You don’t know what to think, you don’t know what to feel, but your heart won’t stop leaning towards her.




5.
 You decide that it is worth it. You decide that she is.




6. 
You find temporary happiness again. 
You lose yourself in the look she has in her eyes when you are alone, the way she teases you, effortlessly switching from what you would expect in a girlfriend to last night with the guys except with a lot less testosterone, a touch that sends tremors down your spine and a laugh that whispers ‘Stay.’
Your smile finally touches your eyes and the light in them is extraordinary, the only description being that they are reflecting the light she had radiated all along. 




7.
You will remember him. 
If she cares enough or isn’t blinded enough by her heart’s longing, she will resist saying his name around you, she will refuse to talk about the issue but you will know by the way her touch has changed and the way her eyes have lost that light that something is wrong.
You will remember everything you don’t want to remember, the warmth inducing good times and the guilt inducing bad times you’ve shared as well as the day she told you, and in those moments you will somewhat understand her pain, but never truly.




8.
 The decision is still yours. 
You can choose to walk out of her life at any time, but you don’t. You have this desire to see her happy, the possibility of how she could be once free from his ghost excites you in a way you haven’t been since the age of seven, and you hold onto that idea.
You continue to fight.




9. 
You hope for the best with your heart somewhat breaking a little bit more every time you see that look at her eyes again, the look of guilt over you and pain and longing over him. Your eyes develop a look of their own, the light is still there but the determination in them and you as a whole is stronger, and if you’re lucky, she gets over him.
 If you’re not, she doesn’t. 
You will simply be left alone to wonder about her abrupt disappearance. 
And in some cases, you may never even know this war was being waged.